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A Page of of my poems from 1967:

A Crazy College Christmas Top Ten
By Geo. Stewart Producer/Host of Crazy College

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” to an aging rock star like that annual royalty check from their thrown-together holiday 45. I think here of local boy George Therogood who wrote one of the best in 1984, ‘Rock & Roll Christmas.” Others keep doing it every winter, like lemmings to the sea: Homer & Jethro did a sleigh-load of 'em over the years. And then, when you finally get twelve of ‘em done ya got an album, guaranteed to sell again each and every December!

For the last tenth of a century I’ve been hosting a radio show dedicated to all musics odd, silly or forgotten called Crazy College, and heard on our more adventurous public radio stations. Come December I face the dilemma of just how much noel nonsense can a normal listener take. The problem is that there are just so many great Christmas novelty records that each year it gets harder and harder to winnow it down to just an hour or two.

Picking the ten or so tunes that will make up a typical program can quickly become an unwelcome task: I gotta listen to a lot of really bad, unfunny releases just to find an hour worth sharing with you, the listening public. Let’s skip the most obvious ones that you’re already familiar with, like David Seville and his Chipmunks 1959 hit ‘The Christmas Song” [you know, “Christmas, Christmas time is here…” punctuated with David’s frantic yelps of “Alvin!”] Let’s forget the newest edition to the classic cannon, Elmo & Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” [1979] that spawned a slew of parodies, like the one from redneck comedian Cledus T. Judd, “Grandpa Got Run Over By A John Deere.” Let’s forget Stan Freberg’s Green Christmas [1958] with its refrain to “Deck the Halls with advertising” or Tom Lecher’s “A Christmas Carol” [1954] where he wobbles “Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and buy!” Everyone knows and loves these. Some become popular for inexplicable reasons; One of the most requested is Allan Sherman’s update of the Twelve Gifts of Christmas; it’s also is one of the weakest parody of that song….And what’s up with them singing dogs?

Here’s some of my favorites you might want to avoid [ear protection is recommended.]

1. Gene Autry’s “Santa’s Coming in a Whirlybird” [1959]. Santa gets an up grade from the old sleigh. “If you been good and you don’t goof, the Whirlybird’s gonna land on the roof.” --which will surely play havoc with your new shingles.

2. In 1976 Tiny Tim did a similar themed disco ditty he called “Zoot, Zoot, Zoot, Here Comes Santa In His New Space Suite.” Overlooked by almost everyone, cherished by the cognoscenti.

3. I also still have a soft spot for the Royal Guardsmen, who in 1967 did a seasonal follow-up to their top forty hit, “Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron,” called “Snoopy’s Christmas.” It seems one Christmas eve so many years ago the pup and his aerial adversary, the Red Baron, called for a truce just long enough to toast one another. Then they began shooting again.

4. Another rarity worth a quick spin is by a Canadian group of session men, The Beatmas Rubber Band, whose one shot cd of traditional Christmas carols was done in the style of the Beatles. Their version of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ was done to the tune of “Taxman” and they meld perfectly! Try it yourself in the shower, it really works well!

.5 The Bob Rivers Comedy Corp is a group of morning DJs hailing from the west coast. Over the course of the last fifteen years or so, they have managed to put out a stocking full of Christmas parodies, most of which are unusually good! Their cd from 2000 contains two of my personal favorites. One is a rather sick attack on the aforementioned David Seville and his rodents called “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire.” But the better of the two is a smart co-opting of Good Vibrations: “I’m stringing up decorations. It’s straining the power stations.” The later is clearly some sort of a classic [what sort, You decide.]

6. Late in their careers, when all those eye pokes had left them near blind with cataracts, the final formation of Three Stooges invaded a recording studio to knock out six sides of seasonal silliness, the best of which is the descriptively titled “Wreck the Halls” where Curly Joe asks “What harm can one more little piece of tinsel do?” Answer: plenty!

7-8. If you have enough talent you can be amusing and still make good music. Here’s two examples. In 1953, Louis Armstrong & his Commanders were awaiting the arrival of Big Red with their “Zat You Santa Claus?” And the Waitresses some twenty eight years later set a rather touching short story to some clever music in something like four minutes in their classic “Christmas Wrapping” tale.

9. I guess we must leave some space for those ever present naysayers. In 1958, Mr. Magoo himself, a.k.a. Mr. Thurston Howell III himself, a.k.a. Mr. Jim Backus recorded one of my favorites, “Why Don’t You Go Home for Christmas?” Ole Jimbo’s having so much fun here you can almost hear the ice tinkling in his highball glass.

Then there’s Loretta Lynn’s very bitter “To Heck with Old Santa Claus” from 1966 [“When he goes dashing through the snow I hope he falls!”]

Forty years before Ashcroff with all his homeland security paranoia became the fashion, Ray Stevens and the ACLU band recorded a song about another super-snooper entitled “Santa Claus Is Watching You!”

But I’ll have to give the #9 spot to Ray Davis and the Kinks for their punk-rock masterpiece from 1977, “Father Christmas [Give Me Some Money”]. It says it all, and in so doing says too much.

10: Let’s end this Top Ten on a happier note, musically, if not lyrically. In 1987 Dan Hicks re-appeared suddenly out of the past with his peppy “Somebody Stole My Santa Claus Suit” [but, sucker, you can keep it ‘cause don’t give a hoot.] Dan’s band is as hot as that red flannel must have been. No wonder he won’t miss it.

Enjoy the sounds of the holiday while you can because come the 26th we won’t be hearing ‘em again for at least another year. And, ya know there just aren’t that many novelty Easter songs out there….

Why I Like Silent Movies

 The subtle magic created on the carved wood block by the oriental master print makers of Japan is known around the world as "ukiyoe"; "the floating world." It would seem to also apply to another art form, one that born just a hundred years ago in 1996, and did not talk for it's first 30 years. Is there a better term than "ukiyoe" for the fleeting, ethereal magic of the "silent" film? For, unlike "talkies," rooted in a reality of banal blather and background noise, the Silent Film moves like a dream, image after image drifting by, shimmering in a miasma of silver moonlight, taking to us in our own inner voice. And what lips could not, kohl lined eyes would say.

"Silent films" are called silent only because we could not hear the actors speak. But silent was not a word any contemporary would have use to describe the din of a nickelodeon. Even the smallest store front theater would have an out of tune upright banging out familiar songs that may or may not some relationship to what was going on upon the white sheet hanging from the wall behind. One could count on the largest theaters to have a full orchestra to accompany the feature, after giving an abbreviated program of light classics and popular music. By the mid teens all but the most poverty row film would arrived with a cue sheet of suggested music, while manyfeatures would supply original scores with full orchestration.

What we see today in most instances is better than what even a silent film's first night audience ever saw. Modern projectors are brighter, their lenses sharper. Our film stock has finer grain, even if the image has little silver in it and lays upon an acetate base not quit as clear as its more explosive antecedent. Gone are the days of a 16 mm dup of a dup, with no differentiation between its blacks and whites, with no music, projected too fast -- or worse, too slow when someone has decided to print each frame twice in a desperate attempt to get closer to silent speed. The truth is silent films were not dark and grainy -- a silver nitrate print shimmered like faire dust. Nor did they flicker or move at exaggerated rates [unless it was being done for comedic effect.] Today it is often possible to see a silent film in a nice theater with a good 35 mm print, and that is the best way to do it. But you would be limiting yourself to just a handful of titles when there are now literally hundreds of titles available on video. Here are some new releases out on video that I like:

Tol'able David

[US 1921, HENRY KING, 91 MIN]

Director Henry King [Twelve O'clock High, Song of Bernadette] was raised in the backwood mountains of Virginia and returned there to shoot on real locations for this production. D.W.Griffith star Richard Barthelmess plays the young man who fate forces to take on three of the foulest villians ever to be captured on film [they even kill his dog!]. But it is the beaucholic atmospher that has made this the classic it is, preserved here with the love and care expected from a Kino release. King discusses the making the film in a 16 minute adendum shot on video just beforehis death.

THE TOLL GATE

[US, 1920, 73 MIN, LAMBERT HILLYER]

Unfairly forgottn now, William S. Hart was the Clint Eastwood of his day, stoic, silent, distant, with as much bad in him as good. Here he plays train robber Black Deering, betrayed by one of his own men, forced to flee into the unforgiving desert and into the arms of a forgiving widdow. But his redemption doesn't last long... Tranferred from an original tinted and tone print, the film exhibits some of its age in the last reel that will not affect your enjoyment of one of Hart's best films. Filling out the bill: an unfunny 2 reeler Mack Sennett programmer starring Max Swain and Edgar Kennedy, His Bitter Pill.

[US, 1925, 75 MIN. JOSEPH HENABERY]

One year before his death, Rudolph Valentino went independent with this picture about a modern day Don Juan who beomes mesmerized by his bosses wife. Only Valentino could hold his own against the lavish sets of William Cameron Menzies [Gone With The Wind] and the costuming of ledgendary fashion mavin Adrian. But he does with aplum.

THE CAT AND THE CANARY

[US, 1927, 81 MIN, PAUL LENI]

In his first American production [Dave, check that] Director Leni [Waxworks] brings the gothic sensabilities of his native Germany to bare on this, one of the best and most influencial this genre, clearing inspiring Todd Browning's 1930 adaptation of Dracula , James Whale's Frankensteinand most obviously his brilliant reductive Old Dark House. It's a pity Jon Debolt wasn't made to watch this before his overblow and bombastic travisty The Haunting: Leni hides his freights in the half seen shadows, and the slowly sliding trap door, not through computer tricks. Included is a good Harold Lloyd short , 1920's "Haunted Spooks".

THE BELLS

[US, 1926, 67 MIN, JAMES YOUNG]

Lionel Barrymore stars in this Crime & Punishment varient as a man haunted by the vision of his murder victum after a fatefull run in with a carnival hypnotist [a pre Frankenstien Boris Karloff, looking every inch like Dr, Caligari.] Rounding out the bill: Rene Clair's The Crazy Ray.

THE PENALTY

[US, 1920, 93 MIN, WALLACE WORSLEY]

Legendary horror star Lon Channey Sr gives a star making performance as the insane criminal mastermind Blizzard who became twisted in youth when an incompitant doctor amputated the boy's legs. Now that he is a man with the power of the underworld in his hands, he plans his revenge and it involves the doctor's daughter....

Stella Maris

[USA, 1918,]

America's sweetheart, Mary Pickford, plays two orphans in this Dickensian melodrama about a crippled girl, adopted by a loving, well off, family who shield her from the sorrows of the world -- a world that her doppelganger Unity Blake knows in all its ugliness. While Pickford gives her usual endearing performances as the title character, at times being coyingly annoying by acting annoying coy, she manages to loose herself in the role of Unity, creating one of her most vivid characterization of childhood lost.

 

Here's my Cinema Jewel Case column, published in Rewind Magazine, before it was improved by an editor.

 

 

GEO'S BIO

See Geo's mind in action....live!

Interview with TOM LEHRER
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BIO | INTERVIEW WITH TOM LEHRER| CATCH ALL

In an industry known for its shortsightedness, it is fortunate for us that the one Hollywood studio that made the best musicals also had the best archival habits. Not only did MGM save the original soundtracks from the recording sessions from such classics as "Singing in the Rain", "Meet Me In Saint Louis", "Kiss Me Kate", but they saved a good number of the alternate "stems", or angles, as well, allowing Turner Classics in collaboration with Rhino Records to generate true stereo recordings of some very famous music. Fortunately by 1952 MGM wasrecording all their musicals in stereo on 35 mm magnetic stock so anything from that date forward is in pretty good shape.

One of their best rescue efforts was released last year: Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe's "Gigi", the only musical they ever wrote together expressly for the screen. Indeed for the first time they were basically hired hands, to put it too crudely -- but the man doing the hiring was producer Arthur Freed, who had also garnered the services of director Vincent Minnelli for this A team. Talent in front of the camera was also top shelf: Leslie Caron [second choice after a disinclined Audrey Hepburn], Louis Jourdan, [second choice after an unavailable Dirk Bogarde!], and Maurice Chevalier [first and only choice -- and soon to have a new signature song, "Thank Heavens For Little Girls"]. And one cannot forget Hermione Gingold!  

Too long overshadowed by the tremendous success [and, obviously, superior] musical My Fair Lady, which was continuing its Broadway run at the time, Gigi is still a charming confection, as light as an eclair, a bubblelly as the champagne they serenade. Oddly, Gigi made for a better film, a nice quiet little bit of froufrou compared to the overblown pretence that could wound, if not kill, even a piece of musical theater as indestructible as "My Fair Lady". It is great to be able to hear the score to "Gigi" again in true stereo; for years the only available sound track was marred by an impenetrable patina of reverb and truncated numbers. Indeed be careful to look for the Turner/Rhino version as CDs of the old Lp still turn up in many record stores and the Turner CD includes all the musical cues, a few demo recordings and many extended songs later tightened up for the film.

Two classic musicals by Vincent Minnelli, 1944's "Meet Me In Saint Louis" and 1946's "Ziegfeld Follies" both appear in stereo for the first time, and one would swear that they were recorded just yesterday, the sound is so clear and full and spacious. Here's hoping that some day soon someone at the studio will decide to marry the stereo tracks to a newly strucked IB technicolor prints of these to musical masterpieces and rerelease them theatrically.

Oh, one can dream....

Another fun soundtrack from Turner is the Deluxe edition of "The Wizard Of Oz" containing two CDs of music and a full color 50 page book. Again many truncated numbers are restored to their original length and several entire tunes dropped from the film are presented in their proper context. While this version of "The Wizard Of Oz" is in mono, rumor has it that Turner Films might re-release the film next year theatrically with a true stereo music track, thanks to the discovery of all those different recording "stems"! Also promised for next year: the score from Stanley Kubrick's version of "Lolitta", and a recently discovered recording of Max Steiner's "Casablanca", conducted by the composer and featuring all the cues.

 

Here's a batch of my Cinema Bookshelf columns from Rewind Magazine before improved by the editors.

 

by Geo. Stewart

 

To a culture that no longer respects the bifurcation of Life into its public and private sectors, Robert DeNiro's loud silences seem oddly quaint -- an affectation akin to an effrontery. So it is of no surprise, then, that Andy Dougan has trouble in formulating a totally unified portrait of the man in his new biography entitled accurately enough "Untouchable" [Thounder's Mouth Press, $24.95]. Born during the Second World War to bohemian artists whose Greenwich Village loft knew the likes of every painter and poet, every theorist and thinker, this side of NYU, DeNiro was soon [to quote Dougan] "largely responsible for his own upbringing"; his parents busy enough with their own.

Uninterested, undisciplined, unexceptional at school, DeNiro left to study with Adler and Strasberg where his genius was quickly realized, nurtured, and developed. In short order his intense, heavily mannered technique found critical favor in "Glamour, Glory And Gold", a bit of camp fun from one Jackie Curtis and it soon proved to be the perfect accoutrement to the revolution in styles that was the touchstone of the nascent underground cinema movement in New York. It was through his work with Brian DePalma in "Greetings" and "Hi, Mom", that he came to the attention of Francis Ford Coppula, then casting the first of his Godfather films, and, most importantly, to Martin Scorsese.

Renoir had Gabin, Fellini, Mastroianni. Now Scorsese had found his cinematic surrogate in DeNiro. Together they would make films that defined their time and redefined the art of film. A fuller examination of this partnership is to be had in Mary Pat Kelly oral history of our most talented active director entitled "Martin Scorsese, a Journey" also just out on Thunder's Mouth Press [a great marketing gimmick was missed here by not packaging the two in a slip case and including a joint index!] In some three hundred pages Kelly collects quotes from every important collaborator of Scorsese's, tracing his career up to and including 1991's "Cape Fear". As taciturn as is DeNiro, Scorsese is effusive; always the engaging professor desperate to share his insights as if their sheer energy gives him pain until expelled. Where it becomes clear in Dougan's biography that DeNiro is intuitive, consumed with a fear of not finding that one insight which will make his performance come alive [explaining to some degree his mania for research and his passion for staying in character once he finds it], Scorsese, it is equally evident, is a man in total control of his medium, able to explain every shot, every camera move, every cut. And since so much of corsese is in his films, Kelly's biography may lack surprises, but catalogues details. Both books are marred by an inability to address directly the effects that cocaine may have had on both men's work in the Disco Seventies. One wonders about 1977's New York, New York, with its wonderful bombast, like some Simpson/Bruckheimer Art film, all sound and fury, and yet still managing to signify plenty. Some directors -- and some actors -- just can't helprevealing things about themselves. They are the good ones. It should not surprisingly, then, that the book that best gets into the heart of this man -- and therefore his art -- is by the man himself. Published here in 1989 by Faber & Faber, "Scorsese On Scorsese" is just that -- excerpts from the director's writings, lectures, and conversations organized chronologically by editors David Thompson and Ian Christie, designed as a companion to the Nation Film Theatre of London's retrospective of Scorsese's career.

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When one is ones own Boswell, one is destine to stand in good light. So it should come as no surprise as to who stand in the shadows, who lingers in the shade in Mia Farrow's new autobiography "What Falls Away" [Doubleday]. Mia had only a moderately interesting story to tell before the nightmarish collapse of her twenty-"odd" year relationship with one Woody Allen. For its first two hundred pages "What Falls Away" is just another of those generic celebrity tell-all destined to be quickly relegated to the remainder table: an easy read with its breezy style, trafficking in those mildly interesting antidotes that are the coin of the talk show circuit. Even her years with Frank [Sinatra] are chronicled with a quiet civility that, if accurately reported, would have earned him the moniker "Chairman of the Boring" rather than "Chairman of the Board". Farrow has too little to say about most of her pre-Allen film work, "A Dandy In Aspic", "Rosemary's Baby", "John & Mary", and perhaps rightly so: it is not an impressive body. Even "Secret Ceremony" is disposed of in less space than I get for this throwaway column --and she was writing first hand about working with Elizabeth Taylor and Joseph Losey. Only her time with Allen gets covered in any sort of detail, and of course it is her time with Allen that we are most interested. She does not disappoint: Allen comes off as a man even more neurotic than his film persona. Unfortunately, Farrow maintains the same even-handed tone that mars the entire tome indelibly. Her feeling seem more chronicled than felt, and when she comes across the pornographic pictures of her daughter that her lover had left lying around for her to discover, well, one doesn't really expect such objective journalism. I guess, conceivably, that was the only way she could handle the retelling of such a heinous betrayal from a man who's most cogent explanation for his child abuse was the rather lame aphorism "the heart wants what it wants."

Julian Fox has the unenviable distinction of being the first to write about the art of Allen since the scandle in "Woody, Movies From Manhattan" [Overlook Press]. As film scholarship the book falls short, only lightly touching on themes and motifs in a ouevra that presents a really consistent world view. In its stead we get a fascinating glimpse at the production histories of the over thirty films Allen has directed or been involved. It has been well known for some time that Allen has always planned for reshoots several months after principle photography has been completed -- a throwback to the old Hollywood Studio days that ended when stars became free agents and not full time employees. But I was amazed to learn how much Allen rewrites and reconceptualizes, how much is undiscovered until that first rough cut. The themes and even the narrative of a film like "Annie Hall", according to Fox, did not appear until Allen and his editor removed many hours of extraneous plotlines and digressions, like a sculpture chipping away marble until the statue is revealed. And while Fox does not ignore the effects the scandal has had on Allen's career [none, apparently], he does his best to overlook the tawdry autobiographic strains that run through all of Allen's mature films. It is these very elements that make his films so unique, him one of the great filmakers of all time, and "Husbands & Wives" so uncomfortable to watch today.

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Even friends and family found it hard to say very many nice things about the man who brought to life such characters as Inspector Clouseau, and Dr Strangelove. Indeed even Peter Sellers seemed highly critical of Peter Sellers the man, often stated that he saw himself as just another acting job: "I know him well" his most recent biographer, Roger Lewis, quotes him a saying about himself. "Sometimes he bores me, sometimes he frightens me. Frequently he bewilders me. Occasionally he astonishes me, and sometimes I think he's mad." An unparalleled mimic who wanted to be the next Alex Guinness, a brilliant character actor who starved himself into becoming a romantic lead, Sellers's tale is one of an egocentric's decent into dementia, a psychosis so severe that it could only go unnoticed in Hollywood. Somehow Roger Lewis manages to make sense of it all in "The Life And Death of Peter Sellers", as much an essay as it is a conventional biography. "He became whoever he was playing", Mr Lewis told me in a recent interview. "And that's what determined the sort of films he made." --And the sort of films he unmade, for the books is a compendium of projects ruined by Seller's whims, abandoned by him half way through, or disowned and vilified when pasted together by others. The most tantalizing project that died a-borning was from the pen of the great Indian director Satyajit Ray who found a core of truth inside Sellers' often crude portrayals of "wily oriental gentlemen". To be called "The Alien" it finally did appear on screen after many a rewrite, and many years in "turn around", deformed and disfigured beyond recognition, retitled "ET, The Extra Terrestrial". In Ray's version, Sellers was to have played a rich Indian whose adopted western ways makes him as much an stranger as the titular visitor from the stars. It sounds like a role that would have been as challenging -- perhaps more so -- as Chauncey Gardener in "Being There."

While the abandonment of "The Alien" might have been a great loss, not so, one suspects, of "The Day the Clown Cried", Jerry Lewis' attempt to one up Chaplin in the pathos department. Here he plays a circus clown sent to a Nazi concentration camp to entertain the children on their way to the gas chambers. After viewing a rough cut of this never released film, satirist Harry Shearer branded it "a painting on black velvet of Auschwitz." How someone could be so blind, and pigheaded, and insensitive becomesclear in "King Of Comedy, the Life and Art Of Jerry Lewis", a surprisingly even handed biography by Shawn Levy. I say "surprisingly", because the book started out with Lewis' participation until one day he took umbrage at something and attacked the author. It's all in the book -- how a poorly educated borscht belt comedian became big, really big, when accidentally teamed with a lounge singer, how he soon became addicted to adulation of the French and soured by the disinterest at home. Now there appears some sort of repoucmoun: he can be our comedic elder statesman as long as he promises never to release that film.

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Anthony Perkins, "it seems, was fighting typecasting in every aspect of his life" when at 41 he suddenly married long time groupie Berry Berenson and became a father after years of being a very active homosexual. That's how author Charles Winecoff tells it in "Split Image" [Dutton], the first major biography of the conflicted star, best remembered -- and typecast -- as the title character in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho". Like many celebs of his era Perkins' secret "other" life was a secret well kept from the public and yet to few of his co-workers who seemed to accept it much better then Perkins himself. Dominated by his stage mother, haunted by his father's early death, Perkins was determined to cauterize this "monosexual isolation" from his heart. And perhaps he did manage to do so, but only after years of brutal psychotherapy. A feckless charmer in public, yet really a closet misanthrope, Perkins was the true victim here, a casualty to his fractious soul which asserted itself in so many memorable performances -- and undermined many others. Winecoff traces his thesis monomaniacal, at the expense, unfortunately, of delving deeply into the roles that made Perkins famous.

Surprising, Hitchcock and Perkins got along famously during the making of Psycho and remained lifelong friends. Perhaps the great director only got his kicks by tormenting his blonde leading ladies. Unfortunately this is about the only subject that "Hitch" never addressed in his writings, recently collected by Sidney Gottlieb in a enlightening little tome entitled "Hitchcock on Hitchcock" [University Of California Press]. Few other directors were so much in control of their medium -- and none were able to write as well about it -- as Alfred Hitchcock.

With more and more Tv programs being released on home video, it is fun to read David Bianculli's "Dictionary Of Teleliteracy, Television's 500 biggest Hits, Misses, and Event" [Continuum Press]. For